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Kicking at the Darkness


"You are not here to save anyone. You are not alive to save the world.

Life is not a rescue mission.

Your purpose is to CREATE the world you want to live in, to resource the unlimited, infinite, eternal qualities of the soul and BE all you're here to be.

This is where surrender + trust come in.Trust is a choice.Be willing to be wiling to be willing to be a revolutionary change agent, simply by being your most true self.

It's literally all you're here to do." ~ L'Erin Alta

I have to trust; trust that I can be my true self and create the world I want to live in; trust that we are exactly where we need to be in these ugly times; trust that something beautiful and good will come out of all this pain, suffering and injustice. That is all there really is at this point, but it is hard. I struggle. The world feels as it it has turned upside down and inside out.

When I was younger I really did want to save the world and I wanted to be a part of that great rescue mission. In my late teens in 1965, I was headed to Selma, Alabama. Civil Rights was the issue, human rights. I had no idea where Selma was. I needed a map. I went to AAA and got a trip tick. I never made it to Selma that summer of 1965. I still fought for Civil Rights.

It is 2020 and I am now an older woman, these rights are even more in question. I get discouraged. For most of my adult life have attempted to create that world that I want to live in, that world I wanted for my children. Yet I wake this morning in a world I do not even know, nor do I want to know it, it is alien and distasteful to me. It is a world filled with hate, violence and chaos. Racism seems more rampant now than it did back when I was a teen. Perhaps that is just my frustration with this alien world that I find myself inhabiting.

I question myself frequently. All of my life I have been willing to be a revolutionary change agent. I marched for Civil Rights; I worked for change in ghetto neighborhoods with the poor and disenfranchised; I fought for legislation; I marched for LGBQ and fair housing issues. I thought that marching, having empathy, working hard, speaking out and signing petitions would bring about that change I wanted to see in the world. It appears I was wrong.

Now, I am an old woman. How do I find hope, trust, and a knowing that we are exactly where we are in this process? How do I believe that everything is always unfolding in divine and perfect order, even if you can't pinpoint exactly what it is. As I already stated, it is hard. I struggle.

Sometimes as Nadia Bolz-Weber said in her sermon this morning, sometimes it is easier not to hope than to hope and end up in disappointment. But what else do we have if not hope?

I believe that all of this darkness and turmoil in the world, the pandemic, the murder of Black people in the street and in their own bed, the violence and hatred that permeates everything, that we can hope. There is also love, and kindness, and caring for one another. We certainly have seen that in past months too. I think this does cause a gritty, and maybe even uncomfortable, hope. In the words of Bruce Cocburn, You "got to kick at the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight."

I guess I will surrender, trust and keep hoping even though it is a raw and gritty hope. I will be the best human I can be and use my voice to call out injustice, hatred and racism. I will try every day to create that world that I want to live in, one filled with love, caring, acceptance and kindness. Let's join together and co-create that world we want to live in.

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