Belonging

I have been contemplating “belonging” this morning. What does it mean? Webster says: Belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group. It is when an individual can bring their authentic self to work. 

It is no wonder I have struggled with this for years. In my youth, my authentic self was never good enough, or it was too much. She was someone who had to be hidden. Hiding became a habit as I grew into adulthood until it became so obscure that I didn’t even know her myself. Years of therapy and hard work enabled her to reappear slowly. I recognized her as she emerged on wobbly legs. Not until late in my seventieth decade was I able to fully welcome her. 

The misfit syndrome is interesting. Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about the mistaken zygote. The stork flying over a row of homes accidentally drops the little zygote into the wrong home. Yup. That was me. I never fit in my family of origin, always the black sheep, although I followed the rules in an attempt to be a “good girl.” The church offered only insult and certainly no comfort. 

As life unfolded, as it always does, I had glimpses of that authentic self and always a deep yearning to set her free. I longed for community but didn’t find it until recently. 

I love what Toko-pa Turner in her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home says about this.  

“Our longing for community and purpose is so powerful that it can drive us to join groups, relationships, or systems of belief that, to our diminished or divided self, give the false impression of belonging. But places of false belonging grant us conditional membership, requiring us to cut parts of ourselves off in order to fit in. While false belonging can be useful and instructive for a time, the soul becomes restless when it reaches a glass ceiling, a restriction that prevents us from advancing. We may shrink back from this limitation for a time, but as we grow into our truth, the invisible boundary closes in on us and our devotion to the groupmind weakens. Your rebellion is a sign of health. It is the way of nature to shatter and reconstitute. Anything or anyone who denies your impulse to grow must either be revolutionised or relinquished.” 

The wild woman that lived within me was always rejected, squashed and often with violence in my earlier years, later with passive aggression that I didn’t recognize. She complied, was silent, contained, restrained, hidden, and was in pain. But she survived. 

“There is a wild woman under our skin who wants nothing more than to dance until her feet are sore, sing her beautiful grief into the rafters, and offer the bottomless cup of her creativity as a way of life. And if you are able to sing from the very wound that you’ve worked so hard to hide, not only will it give meaning to your own story, but it becomes a corroborative voice for others with a similar wounding.”

“The keeper of silence has tremendous control. What she keeps sealed away can never be harmed so long as it remains hidden. Silence is a power, yes, but when does silence turn upon its keeper and become the captor? When does it inhibit the natural impulse to speak, the urge to sing, the longing to contribute? So many wait for the express invitation to speak, for some permission to be granted, to be coaxed into contributing. But what if this invitation never comes? When does silence stop us from fulfilling our purpose, or making connections with others? When does silence stop a healthy disagreement, like one that names an injustice and invokes change? When is silence being complicit, when it should be calling on a revolution waiting to happen?”

It took years to recognize her full potential and strive toward enjoying it. Years of gentle coaching and finding my tribe. Others who have experienced the same or similar struggles and overcome their silence. I think recent happenings in our world have put a big underline on TRUTH. Truth and telling our truths is critical. Some speak out and are not believed, or they are ridiculed and punished. This is a time when truth and community are critical.

This morning in her weekly post, Maria Schriver talks about belonging and community. She points out that hope, peace, and compassion are what we are all longing for during this time of chaos, confusion, and fear. Going from feeling estranged to feeling embraced by our tribe, the knowing that we belong and can support one another during this horrendous time. We can be part of building a more awake, more compassionate world working with our tribe. We can find or be leaders, spiritual or community. Leaders who inspire, show the way, bring peace and help restore our faith in humanity. We are no longer outcasts; we belong. 

Make peace with your inner wild woman. Find your tribe. Nurture and support each other. Speak truth to power and don’t let fear or exhaustion wear you down. Now is not a time to be silent. Lift each other up. Believe in the good that still exists and in the power of love. You belong…find that place and celebrate.