Darkness

Mid-week check-in. I was under the weather on Sunday.

Today is a black day in an already dark period in American history. I attempt to be guarded here and not wax political. However, this is not political. Today, someone massacred more innocent children. It was the children’s first day of school; they were beginning their day in church…praying! Tell me how to make sense of this? Please, if anyone has any tips on staying sane in this world, I need them urgently. 

I am struggling so hard to balance the desire to know nothing, bury my head in the sand, and to be aware of what is going on. I can’t find the place where it doesn’t eat me up. Can you? Is there such a place for anyone who feels? I am lost, adrift in a sea of murky, toxic, cruel happenings in a country that used to feel like mine. It does not anymore. We are white, middle-class Americans who truly do experience privilege. John Prine put it perfectly…”I still love America, I just don’t know how to get there anymore.” 

I also have a deep feeling of impotence. I make calls, I do what I can locally. But that never feels like enough. I was speaking with a friend this morning, and we both realized that we had some degree of “survivor’s guilt.”

Today, all I can do is cry, hold love in my heart, and grieve. Grieve for all those who are hurting, having human rights violated…all those precious, young innocent children who have been murdered, and their families. I grieve with them. While I will never know their pain…I grieve too. 

I pace, I clean house, I cry, pace some more, take a walk in nature and cry some more. What comes to my mind often these days is the prayer of St.Francis. One I have known and loved all my life. Sharing an excerpt of it here. 

Keep on loving, caring, crying, and being kind. Connect with your tribe.

I wish you love and blessings on this very dark day. Let’s all strive in this darkness to be instruments of peace and a light where we can be. It’s what we can do. 

“Make me an instrument of your peace: where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.”